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Complaint

My neck is a mass of lumps and the speed-variant drug they put in cold and flu medicine just makes my stomach go all tight and I get dizzy. So I’ve stopped having it and breathing through my mouth has made my throat go red with white bits on it. In short, I’m right fucking cheesed off.

I’m going to watch some Mighty Boosh to make it all better.

A tiny spider died

A tiny spider died in my water glass today. It died all splayed, so I could count its legs and see it was a spider, a tiny spider. Drowned and dead.

Lesbian hands

That’s lesbian hands, not lesbian ham.

I have lesbian hands, I just heard something on Russell Brand’s Radio 2 show about it, my ring finger is much longer than my index finger, which means I am a giant lezzer.

I found this old article about it.

Yay.

Ball of trumpets

I found this ball of trumpets on the background image of this blog: Further: Strange Attractor & beyond (which is quite good).

What’s it all about then? The ball of trumpets? It’s BRILLIANT. I love it. It reminds me of something I saw many years ago, when I was a nipper, possibly in some strange foreign animation on Channel Four, but it’s only a half memory, like something from a feverish childhood hallucination (we couldn’t afford Calpol). It makes me feel strange. I like it very much.

Someone’s going to tell me it’s a Victorian botanist’s impression of an organism that causes an STD, aren’t they.

Update!

Mark Pilkington, editor of Further: Strange Attractor & beyond, reveals all:

“The ball of trumpets is actually an engraving of a rhabdosphere from a nice Victorian encyclopedia I have called ‘The World of Wonders’ - they’re surface dwelling plankton-like critters”

I found some pictures of the genus rhabdosphaera on Google, but couldn’t find a trumpety species. I did however find the awesomely trumpety “Discosphaera tubifera” at the Natural History Museum Picture Library

DISCO!

Plankton is ace.

Bwahahahaha!

Someone found my blog by searching for “fry laurie flecked with urine and vomit”. My work here is done.

The Black and Decker Workmate challenge

New Olympic event: The Black and Decker Workmate challenge. Consists of several stages:

1) Carrying it in from the garage without damaging yourself or your surroundings
The competitors start off in a garage full of so much crap that the Workmate needs to be brought indoors for work to take place. Plus it’s a bit nippy out and the garage is a bit lonely. Athletes have to carry the Workmate a minimum of ten meters without the various manly bits of sharp metal, levers and prongs that are sticking out of the Workmate making contact with their shins, or scraping holes in the wallpaper.

2) The tricky “straightening the legs” manoeuvre
Usually achieved while wearing pink carpet slippers, the skill here is kicking the legs into position, lifting each corner in such a way that all the other previously straightened legs don’t collapse again.

3) Pulling the top bit into place without removing skin from fingers or wrenching muscles
Involves finding the Secret Catch Areas to press on the frame of the Workmate which allow the top to be moved into position. Athletes must be supple and able to contort their bodies into such a position that the knee keeps the rest of the Workmate on the floor while simultaneously the Secret Catch Areas are pressed and the top lifted. Tipping the Workmate onto its side to identify location of Secret Catch Areas will incur a penalty, requiring the contestant to go back and complete stage 2 again.

In case of dispute, winners are decided according to least amount of blood lost during competition.

…

I did a ‘furniture mod’, as it’s known on the internet! Involving a Black and Decker Workmate. I got a really cheap pine shelving unit to go in a weird corner cupboard that I have, which had shelves that didn’t quite fit properly and thus were useless. The unit was too deep and too wide, so I sawed loads of bits off it. It went together ok in the end, I had to go at it with a hammer for a while. It’s great! I’m very proud. I’d post a photo but it doesn’t look like much, and it currently has all my crap on it, and I wouldn’t want you psychoanalysing me based on the stuff I keep in my strangely shaped corner cupboard.

[Reposted to include awesome illustration by Nick Cooper!]

Marzipus

I got this marzipus from Amato in Old Compton Street. I think they thought I was ill, I squealed very loudly when I saw him. No way was I going to eat him. Mainly because I was already full of real octopus (see upcoming post!!).

Point?

Hello

I am a bit drunk, and very pissed off and miserable and I am considering deleting this blog in a fit of pique. Not really a fit as such though, I’ve been thinking of doing it for ages. I don’t need a blog really. I self-censor too much. I post the stupid little things that won’t bring judgement upon me. It’s no wonder I only get hits from people googleing for “urine fun” and “ugliest dog”. Not that me rambling on for pages about what I think of the world would get any more hits. What do I have of interest to others to write about. Being miserable and neurotic. Lots of people are that, and I don’t read their blogs.

Oh well. It’s Sunday night, tomorrow’s Monday, it’s the traditional time for losing the will to live. Here’s a picture in lieu of anything interesting:

Spid